The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.