My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.