Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat