Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
What’s so funny?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk