Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I’m aging like a fine banana
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.