My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
This bar smells like my childhood.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.