I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
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*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Trying
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.