I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*pronounces woah like Noah*
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
the three genders
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.