“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
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oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
*Inspirational Tweets*
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem