Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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Mmmm canned fish.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
the Monday after daylight savings
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I put the h in mysterious.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.