wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”