Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
omg leave her alone
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.