Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
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We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man