RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
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pep talk
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
i like to flex on them by shrugging
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.