Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Europe. Made in Germany.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
What even happened today?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.