(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.