Tony Hawk, age 6
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too