I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.