for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
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In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Check out the legs on this baby
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*