A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
man i love columbo
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta