hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Taking phone security to the next level.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.