My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
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Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.