Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
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There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Wise advice
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it