You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
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Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
my mom making me talk to relatives
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?