BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
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Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank