Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Best spot.. 😅
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.