Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You Might Also Like
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice