Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….