Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
You learn something every day
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Who’s ready for Friday?!