Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
What
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first