When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*