[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
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Your secret is safeish with me
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid