If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Not messing around
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.