Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
You Might Also Like
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Möther may I have a snäck
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.