Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Mission: Impossible
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
LOL
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it