You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks