Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I want this so bad
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.