[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?