Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?