i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.