I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Sing it!
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Cool shirt 🙂
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.