Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
smh
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.