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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
no their not
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.