Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
You Might Also Like
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar