funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I have two kinds of followers
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…