[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.