every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates