If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
who did the taste test?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.