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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.