My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
You Might Also Like
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.